I hear alot of people talk about the ego and forgiveness, taking the higher ground ect. It's situations like below where we are confronted with it. I don't think the point is to push my self aside and forgive because it's the right thing to do, but more about at how we define forgiveness as individuals and to define the boundaries of doing what is right for the greater good without compromising the boundaries we set within ourselves. I posted this blog because I felt it was a good example of this struggle between ego and higher self.

I woke up to a surprise this morning and not exactly a welcomed one. I opened my e-mail this morning and saw a friend request for facebook from mu oldest's child's biological father. I have to admit, I was floored. Why on earth is he contacting me after 23 years? I was young and he was older, but I had no idea how much older until after we broke up. It was a very toxic relationship. That is why I left him six moths after my child was born. I've never been one to hate someone but I hated him. I was only seventeen at the time. You would think that after all these years I would find some type of forgiveness, but when I walked away I left that life behind and never looked back.

I know I'm going through a state of transition. I saw much of it but never saw this one coming. I didn't accept his friend request but I did write him back and asked what he wanted. There was a small part of me that actually felt a little guilty for being rude, but yet, I could write a book about the horrors of that relationship and many would ask why I was so kind. I have let go of alot of things but there is something in me that won't let this go. Forgiveness is not an option. It wasn't even the crimes he committed against me, but what he did to my daughter, it's unforgivable. It was a miracle that my daughter was even born. She should have died in the womb as this is what he attempted to do. I can't forgive that. 3 times he tried and three times he failed.

So why now? Why send me a "friend" request knowing what he did and how I would react? It's almost emotional suicide. Maybe that is the point. There are plenty of ex's he has that could contact and cry to. So why me? Why now? In the core of my depths I know why. It's almost cruel that the universe would make me do this, though I know that the intentions are of a higher reason. But there are so many healers on this planet that could heal him with ease. He hasn't given me a reason yet on why he has contacted me but I felt a strong sense of redemption on his part. My husband say's that people change. I know they do, but the question is, do I care? The ex in me doesn't, but the Mystic in me sees this completely different.

I have been given the responsibility of caring for the lost souls. I always thought they were the lost souls that were in spirit, but I can feel that he is lost as well, and the Mystic in me feels the need to help him. Not to be actively involved but to help him seek closure in this,finding some sort of self forgiveness. But the human in me feels he deserves to carry his guilt until the day he dies or further on.

I have no doubt that I am being shown that I can't pick and choose who the universe sends to me. It's my choice to say yes or no, sure, but the Mystic in me can't say no because in that role I see the greater picture and the loss of a soul is the greatest loss to ever happen. I used to think that if I missed one they would just find another medium, but I realized because each person is so unique that our gifts are also so unique and I have something that noone else has. Another person has something that I don't have so we all brought together by the needs and maybe what he needs, noone else can give him. I'm being forced to feel him, to feel his worthlessness that he feels. The human feels that this is justice for what he has done to me and others. This is his cross to bare. But the Mystic feels that noone should ever have to feel that way. The Mystic knows this is hell and the beginning stages of the forgotten spirits. I feel his rejection by almost everyone. Though he may have brought this on himself, he is like a child soul. Barely born into this world. There is a huge part of myself that won't allow me to cause further harm.

It shows how much I have grown spiritually, that's for sure. Maybe I needed to see that to. I don't feel the need to help change him, like council or whatever, but I do feel the need to not cause further harm to him. I can't within the depths of my soul forgive him, I can't, but I can handle this in a way that will not cause further harm to any of us. I know the Divine is behind this and I know partly why.

I don't know where this path will lead to, but I do know that this is a crossroads and how I handle it will make it positive or negative.

Update: I wrote him back. At first he wanted me to connect him with my daughter. I told him that she is grown now and needs to make the decision on her own but I would let her know. Then he wanted to know why we left. I guess he forgot all that had happened and so I reminded him. He apologized alot and I told him what was done was done and he could live his life in peace, but I won't be a part of it. I've moved on and so should he. He still continued to contact me about once a year or so and I finally blocked him.

We can't always let go and we each need to define what forgiveness means within. I still can't forgive, but I did do what I felt was right and handled the situation in a way that I could live with. For me, I said my peace, and that chapter is now completely closed. The rest will be up to him.We are not responsible for the baggage that other people carry. Sometimes it's us that needs to do the inner work in order to be able to fully move on, sometimes it's the other person. But we each need to be able to find a resolution within ourselves that we can live with. It may not always be the resolution that other people think we should make, but it's these lessons that truly define what our own interpretations and boundaries mean in our lives. Because the bottomline, we do not face a panel of people come judgement day, it's us that faces ourselves and are forced to look at what he did or the situations we had and did what we felt was right within. It's the internal struggles within ourselves that help us define these definitions and help us define these boundaries within. Sometimes the guilt is a good thing as it helps us know what not to do again. It also helps us take responsibility. Forgiveness isn't about someone else doing something to redeem you, because no matter how much redemption someone else does for the sake of you, that burden is still carried until you can face it and find some type of resolution within yourself. Sure, you already know God forgives you, but the point is, can you forgive yourself? And can you let go?